Awakening

The past few weeks have been challenging. I was out of the country, then dealing with plumbing issues in the attic, then sick for the better part of two weeks, all the while trying to navigate a high stress church season (budgets and Christmas planning).  Let's just say I've not been myself.

Today is the first day I have felt "even" again. I knew I'd get here. (That's a lie, I prayed like hell I'd get here.) 

It's my day off so I spent a little extra time in my quiet time this morning in a new book.  I have a collection of devo-type books that I rotate everyday. But about 6 months ago I bought a book on my kindle for a book study that I ended up not participating in. And even though I see the title every day when I open my kindle for my readings, today I decided I would begin reading it. (Honestly it was an attempt to experience a much-needed connection with the Spirit.)

I'm gonna go ahead and give the Spirit all the credit on this one because what I read today in about 15 minutes felt deeply soul-satisfying and custom ordered. Here's a quote:

"With each day there should always be an inner longing, not to recall or remember something that was revealed the day before, but an acknowledgment of our emptiness and a reaching out: 'Father, Father! Come, come, reveal Your message! Give me a vision today; let me know You aright; let me go deeper into Your consciousness.'”

Like I said, these words landed deep and reassured me I'm not imagining this daily longing that often feels unmet.  The author (Joel Goldsmith) made reference to the experience of awakening, saying in essence that in our "humanhood," which I take to mean by my own drive, will or efforts, no one can become a seeker. It is God in the way that He makes himself known, sometimes in wordless sensations, who is calling us into encounter, renewal, intimacy, and growth.

I reflected on my daily "ask" to be closer to Jesus, to know him better, to grow in intimacy with him. The "ask" is often couched in the belief that it isn't happening. But today I had a new thought from these readings. An awakening. Maybe it is happening at a level or in a dimension that my conscious self cannot perceive. Otherwise, there's such a risk of reducing my relationship with God to emotionalism.  And having learned through the years that "feelings aren't facts" I certainly don't want the most important relationship in my life (or any of my relationships) based on feelings, emotions and my limited human perceptions.  Afterall, feelings can be fleeting and emotional highs are not sustainable. (Anyone who has been with the same person for 20 years or more knows what I mean.)

So I feel (oops feelings); I am relieved, encouraged, nurtured, and excited about this ongoing, daily adventure with the spiritual realm; the great Mystery.  There is something happening all around me that is not of me. Thank God it's not of me!

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