Missing God

Several of the gospels record Jesus as weeping over Jerusalem.  In the Gospel of Matthew (Mt 23:37), Jesus said, "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it!  How often have I desired to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing!"  But in Luke, Jesus lamented, "... You did not recognize the time of your visitation from God." (Lk 19:44)

Matthew's charges are a little clearer; but Luke's are sad; terribly sad.

I think we can all probably look in the rearview mirror and recognize moments in which we missed our visitation from God.  Some of us are too busy.  Others assume God has better things to do than engage with humanity on a personal level.  Luckily, God doesn't give up on us easily.  Always, God is determined to woo us, to draw us in.  If we could just hit the pause button on our agenda, we might just see it!

Have you ever shared with someone that God was speaking to you and their response was something between skepticism and distain?  I have.  It's a confusing experience, but ultimately, I decided that no one was ever going to tell me again that my experiences of God were either fabricated or imagined.  I really, really believe that God is talking to each of us.  And I don't mean in a dramatic, Angel Gabriel kind of way.  It's more like God sneaking into my thinking.  Now how is that possible?

For some time now, I have made a daily practice of "checking in" with God.  Lately, I have been writing a little note to God in my journal in the morning before I begin my quiet time.  And I either say out loud or write that I trust God to lead me, to speak to me, to show me what I need to see today.

Something that I fret about regularly is whether or not I am living into ministry the way in which God intends.  "Am I fruitful enough?  Is 'this' where I'm supposed to be?  Do you have something else in mind for me?  Am I refusing to even consider 'something else' because either I'm afraid of change or I don't want to risk making the wrong decision?"  I think this worry is somehow tied to the fear of being left out, causing a weird combination of poor self-esteem and ego to demand I be granted something "better," whatever that is.  Really though, I hate the thought of God someday asking me, "What did you do with the one life I gave you?" and me not having a worthwhile response.

So anyways ... those familiar thoughts were creeping into my mind again today.  And I ended my "letter" to God with these words:  "Teach me to be a silent servant.  I trust you to guide me this day."

This is the guidance I received.  And since I get to have an opinion, I received it as God's response to my fears.  It came from a reading by Henri Nouwen, which said, "I am finding that when I choose to let go of my sometimes petty and superficial wishes and trust that my life is precious and meaningful in the eyes of God, something really new, something beyond my own expectations begins to happen in me."

Then I read a quote from Joel Goldsmith which I will paraphrase here.  In a message about meditation, Goldsmith claimed that our meditation life allows us to draw closer and closer to the presence of God.  And as we do, as the thin veil between us and the Divine becomes even thinner, even transparent, we are changed.  We become like these "channels" that carry the presence of God around with us on a subconscious level.  It isn't "us."  It's like when the Apostle Paul says that the life he lives, he lives in Christ.  So that just by walking into a room, if I attend to pursuing intimacy and presence with God through my spiritual practices, I can be a channel for the Presence.  I can affect  those with whom I encounter in a really powerful and positive way, whether I perceive it in the moment or not.

Doesn't the scripture remind us to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, soul, mind and strength?  To focus first on that and then everything else follows?  Why do we ignore this?  Why do we avoid or fail to pursue Divine "visitation" or "presence" because we're so darn busy doing things for the Kingdom?  Why indeed.

I've been alive for decades!  I'm tired of missing God.  I want to be attuned.  I want to be with God, formed by God, used of God.  I want to learn how to be that silent servant who trusts God to use me for the healing of the world (as lofty as that may sound).  That is my desire, a desire I believe God planted in me.  And so I will trust God to bring it about in whatever manner God sees fit.

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