Eau de Dead Rat

It's an unmistakable smell. And my husband's constant stuffy nose keeps him from noticing it. But there is definitely a dead rat in the attic just above the master bathroom.  I'm not surprised. We keep the space stocked with rat poison. And I'm certain the loud "thunk" noise I heard in the ceiling a week before the smell appeared was said rat making his death dive into the space between the walls.

I guess the upside of eau de dead rat is that is aligns nicely with the season of lent, a time when we are to reflect on our mortality.  I heard a colleague jokingly expressing it this way: "Hey you're gonna die, so how do you want to live?"

20 years ago this question had a completely different feel than today. It's not that I'm on death's door by any stretch of the imagination but I have definitely surpassed midlife.  There's a part of me that keeps trying to figure out how to make up for past mistakes. Kind of like I have to pay that debt before I can work on today. This is a thought that runs in the deep recesses of my subconscious and of course goes completely against my logical understanding of grace and forgiveness.  But why does my emotional mind do the very thing I counsel other people against?  Bringing up the past?  Actually I'm not sure bringing up the past is the right phrase. It's more like checking up on the past, like, yup I still did that stupid stuff.

So to answer my colleague's question, how do you want to live? NOT like that. Truly when I become aware that I am once again checking up on the past, I find myself saying, that is over. And not just, that is over; but thank God that is over. 

I was talking to a friend today. I've had a nasty cough for about 3 weeks and there is something about being sick that skews my self perception.  Something I often tell the women I mentor is, you're doing much better than you think!  So physician heal thyself!

Paul writes, in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone. Behold the new has come. I think that's one of those already and not yet realities of the faith that we have to intentionally live into every day. It's a testimony to the divine power and work in our lives and constantly available to us.  As we depend upon God, we grow in our trust of the work the Holy Spirit is doing in us and stop trying to literally fix ourselves or searching for fulfillment and meaning in everything else.  And maybe, just maybe, we can grow to love ourselves more as we do.  In the end it's all about our quest for love ... love of God, love of others, love of self.

To that end, I'll end with a Henri Nouwen quote I read this week:

"All these things that keep you quite busy, quite occupied, and often quite preoccupied are not telling the truth about who you are. I am here to remind you in the name of God that you are the Beloved Daughters and Sons of God, and that God says to you, 'I have called you from all eternity and you are engraved from all eternity in the palms of my hands. You are mine. You belong to me, and I love you with an everlasting love.'”